Mental healthcare in Texas is a joke. You can find a doctor who does medication management and therapy but charges $300.00 per session and doesn't accept insurance. Than, you find a doctor who is covered 100% under your policy but all he does is peddle medication, no therapy. I've given up on doctors completely.
It's been a long day. I cried so much that I hyperventilated and almost passed out.
I keep thinking about the big tree in the backyard. I could throw a noose around it, call the police and hang myself all before Mom came home from work. It's just a thought. I wouldn't dare. I just love everybody so damn much.
I just wish I knew what was going to happen.
hi julia
ReplyDeleteive just read some of your blogs, from july thro to last date. im sorry you have BPD honey. i too have BPD. im the 50 ish age person you delude to not wanting to be LOL... can i offer you some advice. only from my own perspective. i so identify with you ok. and i dont know you. but taking meds or prescription stuff, drugs of any kind - for a start, is so gonna bother your head alone. and with BPD, well thats enough. and there arent enough ppl out there who understand what it is to have BPD. but i do. and i dont do drugs at all, i dont drink, i dont smoke, nothing like that. in fact i find if i have to use prescribed meds at all they usually upset me so much, in lots of ways that i cant take them. ok so thats my perspective, its not about me trying to make you feel bad. BPD does that enough. no one has to talk to you and you still have a head full of messages. thats why we want others with us, or nearby, someone who cares, who is there. its not about wanting someone to do things for us, its about not being alone. i say its to do with being a child, the abandonment, the fear of being alone. ive been alone. ive struggled a lot, like you have. but ive felt the pain, done the pain, rather than block the pain. and no, it doesnt make me a better person, its not about me being better, its just about trying to hold on, rather than be soooooo lost, as i know i would be MORE, if i were to be drunk. i dont know if its cos i dont drink, that there have only been two occasions where i have become drunk and then i hate it. so its not a position i care to get into. im trying to say im here, i hear you honey. talk to me if you want to, i will reply ok ... you are not anonymous any more xx xx xx Big Hug xx xx xx Nicola
Nicola, I know what a depressant alcohol is. Believe me, I always regret drinking the next day. Sometimes, it takes such a toll on my emotional health that it takes several days to recover. I hate that it always leads to reckless behaviors. I don't know how to say no, all my friends want to do is drink or smoke. It's so hard. My therapist says to get to an NA meeting. I don't want to though LOL. I've "popped in" but it's so hard to keep going back. I don't have the time, LOL, but I always have the time to smoke weed. It's something I just really enjoy. I don't know how to quit, I want to, but then I get bored and just fall back into the same old behaviors. It doesn't work.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading my blog and I appreciate the supportive feedback. I will eventually get through this.