Okay

I need to get my head in order. Thank God for weed.

Thank God for Mom. She rearranged my furniture and cleaned and helped me organize. Still need to go through clothes to take to Goodwill.

The dog being here this weekend as well as the kids was very taxing. I love them so much though. Poor little guys. I was so crazy, mean, irritable, and lazy! Again, thank God for Mom. She does it all at sixty years old. Mom has a full-time job she likes, takes care of everybody, sees to the house, the yard - but I can't take care of myself!

Mental illness, drug addiction, athritis and chronic back pain. All at 32 years old. Can I change my life at this point? Is it worth saving?

I'm dying to get back to work and stop feeling sorry for myself. Or, if I can't go back to work for my current job, which I've been off for the past month and a half on my medical hiatus (disability), at least find a new job.

I have nobody to talk to about my problems. Nobody. My entire life is an embarrassing lie. I can do drugs with my friends, but I can't talk to them about my problems with work, stress, borderline personality, my fucked up past, my traumatizing childhood. The truth is, nobody really cares about other peoples problems.

I've thought of going to confession. I'm so scared though. It's so weird being brought up Catholic. I am scared to death. I feel like I've been cast out. I know if I felt Jesus' love again I could live again. Sounds crazy I know it does. I'm like a fallen angel. A part of me feels Agnostic though. I just don't know. It's like that movie Dogma. I guess that's why he wrote it. People really do go through this.

Than there's the people that do care about my problems. Dean. Dean especially. And Mom. And my sister. These people care a lot. But I can't tell them because I could never let them know these awful things I'm so ashamed of. I could never tell April either. And she cares.

At least Dean and I are friends again. I will have to lie to him about my whereabouts and actions since Wednesday night. So sad. So much deceit. I love that sweet caring man. Funny thing is I still see him as a boy. But he's not. He's a man. And he's right about so many things. Wish I didn't have to let him down everyday.

Let's see how long my sanity will last this time around. Tomorrow is Monday. It's a brand new day. My favorite day. I know people hate Mondays, but for me it's like a new beginning. =)