Define me.

I am life experience and regret. Also torn apart, alone, abandoned, ashamed. Together, love, hate, anger, worthiness, pity.

Worthiness. Now that's a new one.

I used to think I was worthless. I still think that way, sometime. Or maybe it's because worthlessness is a part of me. But so is worthiness. She's a part of me. The one that's worthy. There is more than one part of me.

Tori Amos is my acting muse for the day. "Abnormally Addicted to Sin" has been the back drop for my doctor's appointment today trip and wait. I listened to it on the way to physical therapy. I listened to it while I sipped my coffee and ate my Spinach Florentine.

The burning question is: How does one go back to the way they were? How do I get to before my innocent little eyes were exposed to pain and the evil layed ahead. My evil dad who I get embarrassed talking about. The drug addiction. Sin.

I need my Father. Lord, when I think about doing my Sacrement of Penence.

Why can't I manage? I'm suffering from something that's programed. The scars on my arms from when I cut myself with a lady bic during a cocaine induced nervous breakdown back in the late 90s. I'm still nursing those scars. Probably my biggest regret. Besides for all the sex. SEX. Something I crave but something that also repulses me at this point in my life.

Well. Yesterday I decided I was going to rub vitamin E oil on my little scars everyday for six months. And I was also going to slowly forgive myself of them. Each of them.

But what am I going to do about these men in my life now? The one who means well and the one who's just a prick.

And the Catholic church. What am I going to do about that?

Jesus. Oh Jesus. I love Him, You. But I don't think it's Jesus I need to be praying to. It's her. It's that little girl inside me who begs to be forgiven.

I love my guardian angels protecting me here on earth.

People who have real jobs, real lives, but who think I'm worthy enough stick around for. So, I guess that does mean I'm worthy.

What's wrong with me I always wonder. Why am I capable of so much evil? So many Christian values I forgot along the way.

Blah blah blah.

Don't judge me. I'm trying. And I feel a little better now.