I forgot to mention...

My druggie life is a nightmare.

Did I happen to mention I'm bulimic? Maybe I did. It's a little known fact that I forget to tell people sometimes ;-) I happened to mention today at work that I "used to" make myself puke for about a year to loose weight. Ha! I'm such a liar.

I don't do it all the time, like maybe I do it about 4-5 meals out of the week. When I eat fast food. Ugh. I did it in a major way last night. I came home from work feeling like shit and starving, I ate about $10.00 in fastfood than, that disgusting full feeling hit so I forced myself to puke it up only it wouldn't come up so I had to keep trying and it hurt my throat and my head. So, today, I was late for work, my entire body was hurting all day and my head has been pounding. I took one 10mg vicodin, than, about an hour later, took another 7.5mg. I fucked up at work all day long, not giving a shit and even looked like hell with hair all frizzy and crazy in a bun cause I didn't have time to fix it this morning. When I got home just now I could barely walk, I felt so weak and just wanted to eat the entire house. I was so pissed cause as usual the only thing in the fridge are condiments and some organic milk that I decided to roll a joint and go to KFC. I only ordered the grilled chicken breast w/ a grilled drumstick, a biscuit, and mashed potatoes without the gravy. I don't feel so bad I guess.

I want to stop, everything, ya know. Before it's to late and I'm in my 40s and have wasted an entire youth on self destruction leading up to a wasted, old, unhealthy body with lines all over my face. I'm only 32 years old, people mistake me for being 24-25 all the time. I can see the wear and tear on this face, the tiny line inbetween my eyes that seems to get more and more profound every day, the tiny lines that have just appeared under microscopic mirror that were never there before.

My, my, my, I feel so much better. My head still hurts and my back is aching, my shoulders and feet are throbbing. I feel calmer though. When I got home I was sobbing.

What is wrong with me? This can't be normal ya know. I don't want to end my life but I don't have anything to look forward to. Life just keeps going on. My niece and nephew are all I live for.

There is a meteor shower tonight. I'm going to blame it on that for now. I'd do anything for a massage. That would solve all my worries.