Dealing with feelings.

I'm going to start a workbook for BPDs. I've read through Chapter 1. Tonight I'm going to bed early and I'm going to do something good for myself tomorrow morning when I wake up.

I treated Dean so badly these past several years. My BPD wrath finally caught up with me, and I've hurt a relationship, that may be the single most important relationship I've ever had, and ever will have, with a man.

He emailed me a few times last week. It isn't the same. The damage is done. Dealing with these feelings is hard. I'm over the rage. The rage and the pain of his rejection. There is nothing left to burn, nothing left to tear up, nothing left to delete. All the presents, pictures, love letters, all gone. Vacation photos, things he gave me, I ruined them, threw them away, over the years, during my BPD fits of rage. I threw our relationship in the gutter. It's all my fault. And now he's gone. He's not completely gone, but he's tired and he's lost hope that I will ever change and just be nice for a change.

He gave me a little parchment paper journal that his father brought him from Egypt, I tore it up a few years ago when we were mad at eachother. A beautiful ceramic Lotus his mother gave me as a gift when I last visited her home in Houston, I smashed it during an outburst.

My sweetest lover, the only father I've ever known, my brother, my best friend, he's truly had his fill.

How it hurts, but I'm dealing. I could just get into the car and smash it into a brick wall at 60 miles per hour, listening to the loudest, most depressing music I could find, but instead I choose to just climb into bed, for it is 32 degrees outside, turn off the television and read my book for a little while until I fall asleep, than tomorrow, I rise with the sun and do something terrific.